I'm so behind with blogging. December only contained four little posts, the smallest number of post ever on this blog since it's creation. With Christmas activities, work, a kid that wants to sit on my lap and look at the Toys R Us web site or watch Max and Ruby videos every time she sees me sit down at the computer, and Facebook that is so quick and easy in comparison with hour long blog post creations, no wonder I haven't written much here.
Kevin and Hannah are still in FL with his family, and I've come home to go back to work. Surely I'll have some time to play catch-up this week with posts on Christmas and our two year Hannahversary day. Wow, two years ago today we were welcomed home from Taiwan by a village of people at the airport. I'm pretty sure that was the first time I'd ever felt the "I'm so tired I think I'm going to die" tired.
Tonight I'm writing Hannah's yearly update that our adoption agency will forward to the baby home where Hannah lived in Taiwan. It's always bittersweet to write this letter and go through a year's worth of photos. So many fun times, squeals of laughter, and silly little things that she's done. It also brings my adoption guilt back to the surface. My daughter and her first mother are the ones that are or will be experiencing all of the losses because of the adoption. Adoptive parents gain everything. I purposely don't talk about it much openly, but I feel a deep connection to or empathy with my daughter's first mother, thinking about her often, wondering what she thinks about when she thinks about our daughter. I wonder if she'll ever read the translated letters I write or view all of the photos that I spend hours carefully selecting for her. I'm blessed to have a great support group of other adoptive mamas to talk to privately about this kind of stuff. I wonder if my daughter's first mother has anyone to talk to about this stuff. I hope so.
The house is eerily quiet without the sound of Kevin's racing cars on the Playstation, the jingle jingle of tags on Sedona's dog collar, and a little voice requesting apple juice in a Tinkerbelle cup with no lid.
I loved the recap of pictures. Hannah is such an expressive little girl. Wow, it's been 2 years. When I started thinking about Taiwan, you were the first blog I found and I got some very useful information for when it was finally time for me to pick up Lexie.
ReplyDeleteJust like you, I think of Lexie's first mom. Whenever I see her smile or hear her laugh or even when she's sleeping, I always wonder if she's thinking about Lexie. I thank God everyday that Lexie is our daughter, but at the same time, I'm always sad to know that someone had to give her up, so that I could be her mom. I don't know if I would have had the strength to do that.
Great job with the scrapbooking page. One of these days, I'll have to figure out my way around it.
ReplyDeleteI get you on the adoption guilt thing, and you're right: writing updates only dredges it up again. However, the fact that you have these feelings only proves that you care about your daughter and don't take the circumstances of her adoption glibly. You're a good mom.
I'm glad you have a group of parents that you can talk with about these things. I do, too, and I think it is so invaluable to be able to share our hearts with others facing similar circumstances.
ReplyDeleteAs for updates, we send updates to the Tongginator's orphanage on a regular basis. I just wish we could send updates to her family. :(
I love the monthly pic scrapbook page. You can see how much she's grown in a year! Too cute!
ReplyDeleteI often wonder about the birthmother and we haven't even gotten our referral yet(and won't for a while either, we just sent our letter and album in August.) But I pray for God to give the women strength to make possibly THE hardest decision of their lives.
What a wonderful 2 years it has been! (I only started reading your blog a year ago when we began the adoption process) Thank you for allowing me to watch your little family while I wait for my own :)
((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI know just what you mean ~ just what you mean.
The photo page is beautiful ~ what a lovely year to look back on and reflect upon......wishing you many more days of joy and laughter in the new one!
We miss you guys; we were recently peeking back at the Chinatown pictures and Tyler was beyond excited to see Kevin and Miss H. He proudly pointed to both and said, "friends". Melted my heart...... I know he would count you among that group too, but we Mamas never seem to get in those photos! LOL
Take care of yourself!
Yes I have to agree, you are a very good mom!
ReplyDeleteAnd a very strong woman with such an open heart...
She is such a beautiful little girl. I found your blog through another I follow and only the other day realised that you are the family who's video I had seen on You Tube a while ago...
ReplyDeleteI totally understand how you feel and you are doing all you can to ease any pain that they may feel... and in making sure your daughter has the best life she possibly can! To me the best life isnt one that provides everything, it's one where there is boundless love and affection and it's clear your home has that!
Chin up and don't feel too sad!!!
Enjoy the quiet... it is going to get a WHOLE lot louder at your house soon :) Hope you had a wonderful Hannahversary!
ReplyDeleteoh how sweet! Love the scrap page, where did you get that little birdie? would love to use it for Eva Jean's announcements....also, love the little dolly story...glad she is big enough to use her ladybug backpack!
ReplyDeleteLove, love, love your scrapbook page - you always inspire me and I think you were the first one to introduce me to Shabby Shoppe so long ago! I need to get working on our annual update.
ReplyDeleteLike you, I think often about our little guy's first mama. We met her in Taiwan, and when our little boy cries, I see her face. It breaks my heart but also reminds me to pray for her.
Cindy