Sunday, December 20, 2009

my world... an explanation

I've had a lot of uncertainty in the last five months. My old job was really stressing me out as professional hours were cut with the company freaking out about the recession. I didn't loose any hours, but I was often doing the job of two people instead of the job of one and a half that I was already doing. I was miserable. I decided that I needed to take a professional leap of faith and something less stressful for my own mental health, and found a job that paid just a little better, had more management responsibilities, lower volume, a drastically different corporate culture, but required me to work worse hours, ever other weekend, and included a 45 minute commute in good weather... and well over an hour in bad.

After working at the new job for three months, I discovered that I didn't like the direction new company was taking my profession, I felt like I wasn't fitting into the corporate culture, and the long drive stole precious hours of Hannah time away from me. I didn't like one of the company's new initiatives that made me feel like a used car salesman, and had an incident with a supervisor that pushed me over the edge. Do I want to move my family to live closer to this job so I would have more family time? Nope. We really value the close relationship that Hannah has with my parents, and don't want to take her away from that. After being gone for four months, I hadn't been replaced at my old job... but they were working hard to find someone for the role. When I left, my old supervisor told me that there'd always be a place for me at old company as long as he was there. But a job close to home might not always be available. What to do... what to do.

I contacted my old supervisor, and was offered my old job back like it was before. I gave new job two weeks notice and started back at old job on Thursday. Then, I learned Thursday night that old job wants me to work every other weekend instead of every third like I'd had with them for nearly five years. Not happy about this news. Old job is pretty stressful, but the better hours for my family life were the plus side. What to do... what to do. Suck it up and stay with old job, make the hours thing a bigger issue and threaten to quit (again), or find another new job with another 30-45 minute commute?

The grass wasn't greener on the other side of the fence. It was just another shade of brown.

My priorities are so much different now than what they were two years ago, but in a way I'm still sorting out what is an old priority from what is a new priority.

I long for the optimism I had fresh out of college. I had excellent role models and was stepping out to make a difference in the world. I wish I could pick up the pieces and put together the remains of that person. She's inside here, somewhere. I'm working on finding her.

All this stuff obviously isn't adoption related, but it's life. My life. Real life. Things changed a lot when I became a mother. I learned that becoming a parent comes with a lot of guilt, and being an adoptive parent just adds on an extra layer of that guilt. Did I feed her any vegetables today? I should have been more patient when she was trying to use the cup and was spilling milk on the carpet. There's still a poop smear on the bathroom floor that hasn't been mopped up in three days. Does that make me a bad mother? I'm the only mommy that has never been to story hour at the library and Daddy always gets to go. What am I missing out on?

So, there's my world... an explanation of what's on my mind these days.


  1. I appreciate your honesty Sarah! All these things are going though my mind as I start thinking about going back to work sometime soon. It's definitely not easy with a whole new list of priorities.

    Your a great Momma!! Thanks for sharing!


  2. Tough stuff, tough decisions... I feel for you. Sending good thoughts.

  3. I, too, have lots of professional angst all the way down to the age-old question, "should I work or not?" It's a constant pull, one that would be there regardless of which road I take. I obviously have no advice but it sure does make ME feel a little better to know there are other mommies out there who feel as I do. I just keep telling myself things will work out.

  4. You're definitely not a bad mommy at all. You're doing what you need to do to make sure your daughter is well provided for. I doubt she sits there and questions whether she's loved by you. In fact, I'm sure she feels your affection deeply. Even though my husband is gone for the majority of the day, it doesn't stop my kids from loving him just as much as I know they love me, their stay-home mom. In fact, sometimes I wonder if they even like him better. After all, I don't elicit that kind of enthusiastic response when I come back home from running errands without them!

    You've made some tough choices to put your family first and in the end, I'm sure you'll all reap the rewards. I do hope that the work circumstances improve for you, though.

  5. I think you are a wonderful Mother to little Hannah. I realize this is a hard time right now but it will settle down after the first of the year. You love your child and care for her well being and that is all you can do. You are so fortunate to have a husband who likes being home with Hannah. I was a single parent and it was hard to balance my life. Having grandparents close is wonderful and I admire how you are keeping it that way. You have been making some hard decisions and now just let the dust settle and you will be fine. I have missed you. Have a wonderful holiday with your sweety.

  6. Ew. Didn't know about the every other weekend thing. So sorry. I don't have the answers either... but I do know Hannah is lucky to have a strong role model for her work ethic... and a parent to take her to the library.

  7. Wow, that does rather stink!

    Are there other options? Different positions for you or Kevin? Just remember nothing is ever permanent. In a year, maybe you'll be in a totally different job. Before you know it, Hannah will be in kindergarten (or even preschool) and her having those hours away from you may open up other opportunities...

    Also, since you are working some weekends, does that give you some free weekdays? That could open up some days for mommy to bring Hannah to story hour.

    It is all a juggling act. And it is very "liquid" meaning that things change all the time--parenthood that is.

  8. Hey Girl,

    A bit behind here....pretty much my MO these days! :) I wish I had something magical to say to erase the lousy days or eliminate the dreaded *and often present* Mama guilt.

    Just know that at the end of the day, if your sweetpea is happy & thriving, then that speaks volumes about your family ~ and your vital role as Mama!

    Sorry to hear about the job struggles....just know that many of us feel that guilt...we might wear it in different ways or in varying shades, but its funny how it creeps up on ya!

    Hang in there my bloggy friend...I KNOW firsthand that you are doing an amazing job...saw ya all for myself last summer :) and the BIG LOVE I saw was nothing short of amazing!

    Oh, btw, its me, Lisa of destination-taiwan...posting anon once again! LOL

  9. a very tough decision.. i hope you are able to sort it out soon..

  10. Oh, it's so hard to figure it all out, isn't it? Sorry to hear all this. I've had some similar struggles with my work and trying to find something that fits my goals and the family lifestyle we want. Feeling for you.

  11. Good luck with your job decision. Just wanted to let you know you're not the only Mom whose never been to story hour at the library. I've never been either (hubby gets to take them).

  12. Hard decisions, no easy answers. Praying for you and I totally understand the whole mom guilt thing. Guess what? Even if you stay home with them, you feel guilt! I am babysitting in home this year to help meet ends that the recession has caused in our budget. Talk about guilt making her constantly share her toys, having them broken, bringing germs into the home...the list goes on. I say all that to say that while I love staying home with Alea, it isn't always guilt free either. You'll figure it out, hang in there!!


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