my world... an explanation

I've had a lot of uncertainty in the last five months. My old job was really stressing me out as professional hours were cut with the company freaking out about the recession. I didn't loose any hours, but I was often doing the job of two people instead of the job of one and a half that I was already doing. I was miserable. I decided that I needed to take a professional leap of faith and something less stressful for my own mental health, and found a job that paid just a little better, had more management responsibilities, lower volume, a drastically different corporate culture, but required me to work worse hours, ever other weekend, and included a 45 minute commute in good weather... and well over an hour in bad.

After working at the new job for three months, I discovered that I didn't like the direction new company was taking my profession, I felt like I wasn't fitting into the corporate culture, and the long drive stole precious hours of Hannah time away from me. I didn't like one of the company's new initiatives that made me feel like a used car salesman, and had an incident with a supervisor that pushed me over the edge. Do I want to move my family to live closer to this job so I would have more family time? Nope. We really value the close relationship that Hannah has with my parents, and don't want to take her away from that. After being gone for four months, I hadn't been replaced at my old job... but they were working hard to find someone for the role. When I left, my old supervisor told me that there'd always be a place for me at old company as long as he was there. But a job close to home might not always be available. What to do... what to do.

I contacted my old supervisor, and was offered my old job back like it was before. I gave new job two weeks notice and started back at old job on Thursday. Then, I learned Thursday night that old job wants me to work every other weekend instead of every third like I'd had with them for nearly five years. Not happy about this news. Old job is pretty stressful, but the better hours for my family life were the plus side. What to do... what to do. Suck it up and stay with old job, make the hours thing a bigger issue and threaten to quit (again), or find another new job with another 30-45 minute commute?

The grass wasn't greener on the other side of the fence. It was just another shade of brown.

My priorities are so much different now than what they were two years ago, but in a way I'm still sorting out what is an old priority from what is a new priority.

I long for the optimism I had fresh out of college. I had excellent role models and was stepping out to make a difference in the world. I wish I could pick up the pieces and put together the remains of that person. She's inside here, somewhere. I'm working on finding her.

All this stuff obviously isn't adoption related, but it's life. My life. Real life. Things changed a lot when I became a mother. I learned that becoming a parent comes with a lot of guilt, and being an adoptive parent just adds on an extra layer of that guilt. Did I feed her any vegetables today? I should have been more patient when she was trying to use the cup and was spilling milk on the carpet. There's still a poop smear on the bathroom floor that hasn't been mopped up in three days. Does that make me a bad mother? I'm the only mommy that has never been to story hour at the library and Daddy always gets to go. What am I missing out on?

So, there's my world... an explanation of what's on my mind these days.