Hannah was chomping off pieces of doughnut tonight until I got out the little purse camera. It's batteries were dead, so I did a quickie charge, but by the time I got the batteries in my camera she decided that she was done with doughnut and wanted to finish off the Cheerios. Oh, well. Best part was captured at the end. Having Hannah respond to my words, knowing that she knows what I'm saying, just makes my heart sing!
I am in search of your parenting thoughts on this situation. Hannah likes to throw fits crying and throwing herself onto the ground to get ME to pick her up AND carry her around the house all day, but she doesn't do this for Kevin. She's happy and playful with Kevin most of the day, but screams and throws herself back on the floor when I'm home with her. I'm worried about her seriously hurting her head when she does this. Reminder... Kevin's the stay at home dad and I'm the working parent. It really frustrates Kevin to see her go from "good girl" when she's alone with him to a royal pain in the you-know-what when she sees me. I think I feel strong enough with our bonding four months post-placement to choose not to pick her up. What do I do? Do I sit next to Hannah and talk to her but not hold her? Do I pretend that I don't hear or see her? Daddy has pretty much laid down the law and not tolerated this behavior, and I've been the cuddling, comforting, let's strengthen our post-adoption attachment parent as I get less one-on-one time with her.
Tiff, this pic's for you! :)
oh my goodness! she is so stinking cute! i love her shaking her head yes! what a precious joy! i'm afraid i dont have any advice on the behavior stuff. we're pretty much at that stage too, so i'll be back to read all the wisdom imparted by other parents! i usually sit or lay addie down (when the back starts arching and she turns into a limp noodle) and then wait until she either settles down some or crawls back and is semi-sweet (vs pitching a fit) about it even if she's still crying. who knows if that's the best thing to do :/ our pediatrician recommended the book 123 Magic. they have a 123 Magic for Christian parents that we got. havent read it yet though...probably should! love your pictures w/ your new camera/lens. you're so talented! inspiring! have a great weekend!
ReplyDeleteI think you pretty much hit the nail on the head with the problem when you said Kevin laid down the law and you've been cuddling as you don't get as much time with her. You need to show her that you won't put up with that either in that you won't respond to it. My suggestion as an experienced carry her around till you drop parent is: when she starts immediately say no and name the behaviour, put her somewhere safe e.g. crib explaing why and let her thrash it out, but don't abandon her stay close by. It's HARD listening to the screaming, and one minute with feel like an hour, knowing that if you just pick her up she would stop and feel better but don't, it only takes a few days to change the behaviour and she will learn that it doesn't work to scream and thrash. Take it from me if you give in once she will know that if she screams and throws a fit you'll come and you'll still be dealing with it when she is 4 years old, I was. She will learn that it's when she is quiet you respond and you'll have more fun and happy times with her although the first week will be very tough and heartbreaking. Maybe put a timer with a bell in the room and set it for two minutes at a time and when the bell rings go to her talk and explain and see if she will let you put her down if not start again. She might associate the bell with your response not her screaming if you know what I mean, but this way you are going in and giving her firm affection but not abandoning her. HOpe you understand what I am trying to say. I wish I had done something with K...I am really doing it different with Dillon and it's a dream....he's happier and so am I.
ReplyDeleteWhat a cutie pie! So stinkin cute. As far as her behavior...well with all of my kids we have gone through this to one extreme or another.
ReplyDeleteWith Maya it was a bit different because I was worried that she needed to bond with me and trust that I would be there- but she is a smart one and quickly learned I would pick her up if she did those things...infact at 10 months old she would move from the hardwood floor over to the carpet before she flung herself cause she knew it would hurt if she did it on the hardwood! Anyway, when the fit started I would say something like "I will pick you up when you are a happy girl again" and then I would walk away and continue with my day checking on her here and there. Somedays it was hard cause she would scream for 45 minutes, other days she would stop crying, come find me and fling herself all over again the second she saw me...what Hannah is doing is waiting for the reaction *she* wants you to have and it is probably a reaction she got when you first brought her home-meaning she learned early on when she cried or threw a fit that you would pick her up to comfort her- the key to getting through this stage that ALL babies go through is consistancy, figure out how you want to deal with it and stick to it every single time it happens. I have sat down next to Maya during a fit, but I think it is better for me to walk away, when I sat there and tried to talk her through it she would try to crawl onto my lap which meant she was still getting her way only I was sitting on the floor holding her not walking around the house holding her. I think that you need to take Kevin's lead and ask what he does when she acts like this around him, obviously she realizes she will get no where with her dad when she acts like that so see what it is that he does, then it will be consistent from the both of you. Anyway, I am writing a novel...hope you get something out of my rambling! Good Luck!
Janalee
Such a cute video!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou can just ignore all of the fit throwing. maybe say 'if you want mommy to pick you up you need to say up' or use some sign language. whatever the signal, arm raised up, whatever. For us alot of the fits went away once she was talking more. (but of course our 4 year still melts down every once in awhile) Hope that helps you some.
Jennie
I'm thinking it's a case of transitions. It's tough to make that very big and very real adjustment from all day with Kevin to you AND Kevin. It's very common for her age and developmental stage. Don't worry Mama! You guys are doing just great. And so is she.
ReplyDeleteOoops - forgot to add ... don't think I didn't notice the havarti cheese =).
ReplyDeleteI think you answered your own question at the very end-your husband has laid down the law and you have coddled her. Understandably of course! but, if you feel secure in her bonding to you, then i think it's healthy to pick her up, give her some love and attention then set her down w/ a toy and explain to her that you need to do something or will sit next to her to play. She has to be reassured to know that you're not going to leave her and build her own confidence herself.
ReplyDeleteThe reason she's kicking and screaming is b/c you probably always give in. I don't mean that in a bad way-it's just life-we all give in from time to time b/c who likes listening to their kids scream!?! Not me!! :)
But, there's a point where you need to break that behavior. Others may disagree w/ me-but it's just the way i've always been with the kids. They call me the "sleep nazi!" I know that sounds bad-but you know what i mean-and my kids are wonderful sleepers! :) But, that's a whole other topic in itself.
I'll bet after letting her scream it out a few times-she'll eventually stop. AND, when she does stop-go over to her and give her lots of lovin. Kids need to be reinforced for positive behavior and ignored when there is bad behavior. They'll soon realize that kicking and screaming doesn't work to their advantage.
And, in the end-i think you'll be a happier mommy w/ her own time and a happy baby w/ lots of confidence. Surely she can do this already if she's happy and has fun w/ her papa.
Just my 2 cents. Hope it helps good luck!
p.s. cute video-i love the nodding! :)
ReplyDeleteHannah is SO adorable!! She still looks so little sitting in that highchair with the tray coming up to her tiny shoulders, while she reaches up to grab her cheerios or her donut. When she nods her head in agreement that she's a good girl, I just melted... So sweet!
ReplyDeleteAs for the fits, I personally think you and only you know what is right at this point. At 4 months I felt that Allie and I had bonded plenty well enough for me to walk away. I didn't leave the room or anything! I would just stand or sit down a few feet away and if she wanted me, then she was free to come to me and watch what ever it was that I was doing... Most of the time it was folding laundry and I would toss her a towel and laugh while she tried to help/bother me. Her idea of helping is emptying everything out of the basket so she can sit in it!
I bet you are safe at this point to step away while she is throwin her fit Mama. But if it's still too hard emotionally for you, then it's not time... Only you know! PS, You don't have to stick to a decision. Sometimes you can give in and hold her, while other times you can tell her you're sorry but she'll just have to tough it out. I don't think it has to be black or white, sometimes grey is good too!
Chloe has been with us for 2 years and she will still have fits. She does it more for daddy who gives in more; I do not give in to her so she does not scream and throw herself down as much for me. If she does, I leave her or make her go to the corner to get herself together. At first it took a long time, but she does better most of the time now. There are times where she may stay (on her choice) in the corner for 30 or more minutes. The boys were NEVER like this. Chloe is VERY strong willed and smart so she knows exactly what she is doing. She also beats her head on the floor or wall when she is mad. It hurts my head more than it hurts hers, so we just let her be. I can be tough and have to be. If not she will walk all over me:)
ReplyDeletewe have had MANY of these fits with Alea. Never had them with Braylen and thought we were the best parents ever because we'd see other's kids doing it, then along came Alea! ha! She rocked our world and knocked us off our pedastal :) I always gave in, Daddy didn't and we had the same scenario. We now let her throw the fit and if it gets too much for me to handle, I step outside, or put her in her crib and walk away. As soon as she stops, I run to her and compliment her immediately and ask her if she wants up. Her fits have reduced a lot due to us both being consistent and handling them the same way. they are definately much shorter now! You are normal, everyone deal with this! Sometimes the hardest times to love are at these times because we think loving is only the hugs and kisses, but it's the discipline too! You'll figure out what works soon!!
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