I think we've been living in a bubble! Our family and close friends have been really supportive in our adoption plans and have asked good questions about the process. This past week I've had my first experiences with insensitive adoption comments and questions. This is a great link to a discussion about insensitive adoption comments. Here are some examples of what I've experienced lately:
"Now that you're adopting you're sure to get pregnant." Well, it's possible. But actually I'm hoping not to become pregnant this year because it would delay our adoption plans. My homestudy agency will not allow couples to adopt until at least 9 months after the birth of a biological child to prevent artificial twinning. If we become pregnant now, we'd have to wait awhile to eventually adopt our Hannah Claire. I'm not worried about this subject though. Whatever happens, it will be meant to be.
"Why do you have to pay money to adopt a baby? Shouldn't they just give you the baby for free? You're the one doing them a favor." (While the person looks at you like there must be something unethical involved.) This one really honked me off. I've been working a lot to help pay for adoption expenses, including 6 Saturdays in a row. First off, there are lots of legal costs in adopting a child. Most of the legally required costs (criminal background checks, homestudy, immigration costs, post placement visits) are for the protection of the child to make sure that he or she will not be abused and exploited. Other costs involve paying a facilitator to arrange the adoption for you. Adoption facilitators have families and homes they have to pay take care of too! Our program also involves a $8500-9000 nursery donation that goes to the place in Taiwan (St. Lucy's Child Center or Chung Yi) where our child has been cared for. These donations pay for the round the clock nannies, baby food, clothing, housing, medical expenses, and care for birthmothers. Plane tickets to Taiwan and hotel stay for a week aren't cheap either.
"I know someone who adopted internationally last year and the baby died right before she went to go get it. They just gave her another baby when she got there." Horrible things happen. Babies die here in the United States too. SIDS happens. I'm sure that the caregivers for the child and the adoptive parents grieved for the loss of the child. Many adopted parents describe the emotional loss of loosing a referral (a failed adoption after you already get pictures and information about the child) like having a miscarriage. This is my worst nightmare.
Other adopting families, feel free to comment with insensitive comments and questions that you've experienced.
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I can't stand that people don't stop and think how their comments will effect adoptive parents. When people ask us about money "didn't she cost alot??" I really just look at them dumbfounded that someone would have the gall to ask that.
ReplyDeleteI have started a Taiwan blog. The posts will be few until we move farther along, but I wanted to spread the news.
www.letsgototaiwan.blogspot.com
You think they're rude now? Wait til you're home! OH MY GOODNESS!
ReplyDeleteAh, well, it;s worth any price we pay to see those smiles! But if one more person tells me how "lucky" my girls are.. grrr
xoxo
val
I love the comments about how they don't understand our rush to have a family...ummm we've been ttc for 5 years now...that's not really rushing things. You can borrow one of mine.....I could go on and on. I posted about this once too. I think it was titled "don't tell me..." then I ranted and ranted. My MIL called and asked who ticked me off.
ReplyDeleteA lot of times I can just let it roll off my back, b/c I don't think most people intend to be rude.
One of my least favs is "do you know who her mother is?" I always look at them like they are crazy and say "yes, me..." and "why don't they like their girls in China" GRRRRR... oh, and yes, my sweet 2 year old is sitting right there!
ReplyDeleteThat's one thing I'm not looking forward to. That's a great link, though. It amazes me, the things that come out of people's mouths.
ReplyDeleteWe've only been home for 3 months now, but so far my favorite is people who relays stories about their friends who are TTC and don't want to adopt yet (looking at me apologetically) because they are "you know, wanting one of their own". I reply: Did you know that after you adopt a child, they are your own? I think they mean well, but so much comes out all wrong!
ReplyDeleteLiving in a bubble ain't all bad! :-)
I have one to add... an African American women from Baltimore said to my face once "while I was holding Kobi" whats wrong w/ all the black kids in Baltimore, you got a problem w/ them being black?? Why wouldnt you adopt one of them 1st? OK...for all this woman knew my husband could have been asian & Kobi could have been my bio son! I just said if it were that easy I would...I mean what do you say to something like that!?
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